so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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