There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
