Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
