my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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