I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
