Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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