is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We had sex on a dog bed..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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