I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
