You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he high fived his dick after we had sex
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
