Old men and throwing up are my life now.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
