If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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