you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
