watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize