when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
