My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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