apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
