Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
