i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
