it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
