I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
