I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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