I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
