I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize