I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
