I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
