Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
