i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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