May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
