I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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