My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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