Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
