You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
