He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
