Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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