Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
