i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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