and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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