The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
