A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize