I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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