i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
