So drunk its hurt
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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