i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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