Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
