bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
