my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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