seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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