The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
