You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
