went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
