i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
