Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
