I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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