y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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