Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i will never coherently bang her
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
